Recovery: Do you really want it? My WHY!
One day in therapy Julie (my therapist) asked me do you really want to be recovered from of this?, I answered “of course” (feeling a bit annoyed she even asked that question!)
I mean why would I be doing therapy if I didn’t, I thought. On reflection she was right at that moment I didn’t!
The thing I have found with recovering from an eating disorder (ed) one minute you want to get better and the next you are so scared of letting it go! Your comfort zone! (As I mentioned before my “Best friend”)
So what is Recovery?? It’s a process/ journey of self-discovery and learning about what triggers you to go to that place and learning, new healthy behaviours/practices that nourish you physically and mentally. As l said before no one time cure makes it go away other than one day/step at a time.
My biggest thing I had to learn was to separate that ed voice from my healthy voice. Obviously we have a choice with all our actions in life but when we allow that ed voice (our addiction) to get a hold of us, it’s harder to get out! That’s why I believe and it has been proven that getting early help with any addiction is the best way forward. Like any relationship the longer you are used to it the harder to let go.
So what is different now? What is my WHY of knowing I want it more than anything this time after 23 years of trying lots and lots of different thing to get better and learning a lot about myself but relapsing time and time again!
Why am I confident I will get ed out of my life this time? Like I mentioned in my first blog, I got to my lowest point where I had to choose between do I move forward or not! Thanks to lots of support form a few friends and my therapist and then finding the speaking / coaching it gave me something to get excited about! To get the flow of life inside me again, and being open about my illness to everyone keeps you accountable in a way to.
I am turning 40 next year and I know I can’t take ed into another decade of my life because the thing that ed does is it stops you from really living.
Having a ed is almost like living a double life, One where you show the world your happy self and the other where you sit at home with your ed (comfort zone) in depression. Lonely, sad, daydreaming for things you want to happen in your life, which never do. It’s so tiring living like this and feel like it’s time to come into that one Lisa.
Which means being in my power more, taking responsibility and growing into the woman and saying no more! No more – self-hate, apologising all the time for being me.
What I see about self-hate and putting yourself down is, you give other people permission to put you down to. I have seen it time and time again. Which is just the world reflecting that within you, back to you. I believe this take courage and awareness and complete honestly with yourself to see those lessons others show you. One thing that I have learned about life and experiences, with everyone we meet there are always reflecting us back to ourselves. I never really got this concept for a long time as there were things I seen in people I really didn’t like so how could that be reflecting me?
I love when you see this now as I know it’s an opportunity to see something in me that I need to look at. I feel this is where the true work lies in the shadow, our dark side (the things we don’t want to see about ourselves)
The beauty of really seeing our shadow, is we get to be aware and heal our stuck pain,old emotions we push down and numb. Bringing that darkness into the light and becoming more into true self.
My Bigger than me WHY ? Becoming a advocate for me gets me excited to help people, bring that shame out of the darkness and talk about it more, as someone who has experienced people not talking about it, ignoring that nothing is wrong it is very frustrating and makes you feel like you are crazy and alone! I want people to know it’s ok to get help and to talk about it! Also to kick shame in the ASS!
Things that I feel help in recovery.
Knowing you really REALLY want to get better
Being really honest with yourself and people you are working with.
Realising recovery is learning to take responsibility for ourselves and practicing self love/self care.
Finding the right help that works for you!
Knowing its work, one day at a time, some days it easy, some days you feel like you’re fighting like crazy.
Finding people who can support you! I think it’s impossible to do it alone!
Being KIND to yourself and realising and practicing things that make you happy.
Lisa Burns – Recovery Advocate for Eating Disorders
QUOTE: I SAID TO MY BODY, SOFTLY. I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. IT TOOK A LONG DEEP BREATH, AND REPLIED: I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS….